Still moving forward

I realize things must be going okay when I haven't thought about updating in a while.  I think I'm feeling a little shy about it because I don't want to have too much hope/excitement only to have another let down, and putting it in writing makes it real.  Because honestly right now this entire adventure feels a little bit like a dream - some days a nightmare - but overall is surreal.  We have experienced all ranges of emotions.  And the waiting never ends.  But we are still moving forward. 

Since our last post I've had more hormones, actually looked forward to a period for probably the first time ever, and successfully re-navigated that adventure.  So following a successful withdrawal bleed I had another hysteroscopy, this time to evaluate how much space stayed open since the balloon had been removed, how much lining was present and if tubal openings could be found.  I admit I was actually nervous again for that appointment - not for the procedure itself, but for the results.  I was anxious and excited and trying my best to go in level headed.  It seems I'm doing that weekly - trying to stay even and rational, while still enjoying the small victories.  This month we've had a few, including the most recent hysteroscopy.  The appointment gets scheduled for at least an hour to allow for procedure set up, visualization, and removal of any recurring scar tissue.  In my case, there was none! Not one band or closure of any corner - just an open uterus cavity.  In fact, our doctor said "this is a cavity that could sustain a pregnancy" which at this point is as good as we can hope.  So 20 minutes later I'm back out the door with a decent grin, a hope and a prayer.  My doctor was quite pleased as well, it was encouraging to see his response. 

Of course that doesn't mean we are in the clear.  Other unknowns at this time are still the fallopian tubes - the openings at the uterus are open & both were seen during the study, but we won't know for sure if any scarring is up in them further until either we have another specific study call a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) or we end up pregnant.  Obviously we'd prefer the later, but another delay in that is the endometrial lining.  Part of the problem with Asherman's syndrome besides the scar tissue obliterating the potential space need to have/sustain a pregnancy, it also replaces the endometrium and sometimes the D&C itself causes the uterine wall to be bare, damaging the surface below the layers of lining into the muscle itself.  In my case there wasn't any real space left so only a minimal area where endometrium could exist.  Part of the hormones was to help the healthy layer proliferate - although on many days the only sensation I had was that of wild fluctuations in mood and (ir-)rationality.  So during the hysteroscopy there was a very mottled appearance to the uterine wall - much like on a globe except red/white instead of blue/green.  The red areas have already "healed" themselves, but the white areas are still bare.  Now (AGAIN!) time will tell, as it is hard to predict how quickly that will fill in.  So we wait some more - waiting for the endometrium to recover across the wall, and hopefully get thick and cushy.  Otherwise its like trying to plant something on a concrete sidewalk instead of in a pot of nice black dirt. 

Oh yea, and am I even ovulating?  This is the first time in a long while it has been worth starting to think about that, but realistically my PCOS could still cause trouble with our agenda.  Fortunately I would continue to see our current doctor for that as well, if it turns out we need to shift focus.  But again one step at a time.  That mantra  helps break things up into each manageable segment of time, but while looking back the year has flown!  In another couple of weeks I'll probably have another (hopefully final) hysteroscopy to check on the lining growth, maybe follow with additional ultrasounds, and move on.