Early ups and Downs

Jan 2013 -
The week 7 US can't get here soon enough.  Every day I'm equally ecstatic and anxious about what might happen next.  I don't want to think past the next day, can't make plans or mark my calendar too far in advance - all for fear of those things being a reminder in the future if something goes wrong.  It is the best news we could have asked for - yet I'm having some battling emotions.  Partly I'm trying to protect myself from heartbreak - and to do that I can't plan ahead, I can't fully acknowledge this based on the lab work.  The more I let my guard down the harder it would be to handle a miscarriage.  I also know the fact that we even got pregnant should be good news in itself - it is a small step of success in the big picture.  I know even without my history that early miscarriage is a reality up to 20% of the time.  But this isn't about what I know, and is of little conselation in this moment.  So I try to stay busy, and distracted mostly, until the US day comes. 

Of course at the same time I'm taking care of myself as best I can, trying to relax, get some sleep, go for walks.  Simply turning off the brain is a skill I've yet to master.  And I realize how naive I was with our first pregnancy - in a good way I think.  Going through this blog helps me put some things in perspective even if it isn't going anywhere quite yet.  Sometimes I think I should just go back to posting as I write, as I feel.  Afterall, we've already shared some strong thoughts and feelings about our course.  Then again, I created this blog for myself in the first place, and for now I need to own this information fully.  I need to be able to worry about my own thoughts/feelings/emotions on the subject, on the outcomes, without worrying about others.  It is not a worry about being judged - more that seeing family/friends having concern, worry, sadness - makes it harder for me to focus on my own feelings/healing/strength.  And that is (maybe selfish) approach I have to take right now.  The risks are all still there - I read them over and over as I learned them.  However I'm getting closer to being able to not dwell on them.  We have an excellent doctor and team; he's referred us to an OB that does high risk as well and comes highly recommended.  So if he trusts her then so do I - we would never have gotten here had I not trusted him in the first place!

With much anticipation, we now just await the US which somehow is finally around the corner.  Wish us luck!