So, what is new? Nothing really, which in my confined little world is a good thing. Today is 30 weeks and 5 days along, and being in the 30's feels so much better than having been in the 20's. Hard to believe I've been inpatient for 6 of the last 7 weeks and doing the bed rest routine that entire 7 weeks. I've had a few more "minor" episodes of bleeding since the last post, each time confirming why I am here. They've become routine enough that they almost don't bother me. Of course there is always still the lingering question of when one of them will be significant enough to demand additional interventions, or even delivery. But I stay thankful for everyday that we stay pregnant.
Having said that, the most concrete evidence of all this time passing is that I feel huge. This kiddo has been measuring ahead on each evaluation, and the last few days I'm feeling it! And talk about activity, there is plenty of muscle building going on in there with the work out this one is constantly doing. Doing the monitoring is one of my favorite parts of the day, listening to the heartbeat going up and down and watching all the activity tracked out in little dots. Of course I can also watch all the activity directly on my abdomen too, no subtlety there anymore! I just hope this one figures out daytime/nighttime more accurately before the big arrival, because is certainly a night owl so far. Between frequent bathroom trips and then constant kicks to the bladder/ribs sleeping is a bit of a luxury already.
Lydia asks almost every day if /when "her" baby is coming, to which I respond not yet. And she follows with pretty soon? Fortunately her concept of time isn't terribly accurate yet, so I still hope that no matter what time this baby comes, to her this entire time will seem short lived.
Keeping our fingers crossed with each day that will total another week and then another month. We are knocking on the door to 31 weeks, with the next big step really being 32. Then on to 34, and hopefully 36!
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Sunday, June 23, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Another event: not IF but when
This past weekend brought another bit of perspective. Everything really is relative - the term "bed rest" in general, along with monitoring, next step, next bleed, all of it. Over the weekend I had another bleed, which considering this is now technically the 4th I would think we could get used to this. However every event has its own circumstances, and this last time wasn't as brief as the prior ones had been.
It all started the same, but since it continued much longer I was moved to the Labor & Delivery floor for continuous fetal monitoring, frequent lab checks and more medications. I got another round of steroids to help the baby's lungs mature, and this time I got a magnesium infusion. Initially this was started in case I would have to deliver, as it has been shown to help stabilize the baby's neurological status. However it was then continued longer because I also started showing contractions on the monitor, and traditionally the magnesium has been used to help relax the uterus. The thought in my case is the blood was irritating enough to the uterus to cause the contractions. Fortunately that subsided as well. The medications were no stroll in the park, and left me actually feeling "unwell" and dependent on cares for the first time I've been in here. I couldn't eat for two days, both wasn't allowed and didn't feel like it. I was apparently pretty close to getting blood transfusion too, but then the bleeding slowed enough they decided to hold off. Overall the entire 3ish days are kind of a haze, between the lack of sleep, medication side effects and general anxiety over what is next.
Tuesday turned out to be our magic day, as the bleeding subsided and we hit the 28 wk milestone. I was able to move back into my "long term" room, and am slowly getting back on my feet so to speak. Really I'm just going one day at a time initially being allowed out of bed to the bathroom, then a sitting shower today, being able to skip the middle of the night checks to catch up on sleep. I'm back in my own clothes and allowed to eat with an appetite coming back.
All of this was more assurance that this pattern will in fact continue; I will have more bleeds, need more monitoring, more treatments, etc. That much is clear. The big unknown is when the next one will be, how long it will last, and most importantly will it lead to delivering this little bean? Each time we hear there are a number of interventions to take before delivery since the longer we stay pregnant the better. It is a little unsettling because some of the staff seem to have slightly different thresholds for what that next step might be, and a different tolerance for how much "watching and waiting" they will tolerate. Obviously I personally would rather wait as long as possible even if that means blood transfusions, more infusions, monitoring and less sleep. But for now we wait, hoping the next event is some time away and that it will be a minor one, but knowing it is coming none the less.
It all started the same, but since it continued much longer I was moved to the Labor & Delivery floor for continuous fetal monitoring, frequent lab checks and more medications. I got another round of steroids to help the baby's lungs mature, and this time I got a magnesium infusion. Initially this was started in case I would have to deliver, as it has been shown to help stabilize the baby's neurological status. However it was then continued longer because I also started showing contractions on the monitor, and traditionally the magnesium has been used to help relax the uterus. The thought in my case is the blood was irritating enough to the uterus to cause the contractions. Fortunately that subsided as well. The medications were no stroll in the park, and left me actually feeling "unwell" and dependent on cares for the first time I've been in here. I couldn't eat for two days, both wasn't allowed and didn't feel like it. I was apparently pretty close to getting blood transfusion too, but then the bleeding slowed enough they decided to hold off. Overall the entire 3ish days are kind of a haze, between the lack of sleep, medication side effects and general anxiety over what is next.
Tuesday turned out to be our magic day, as the bleeding subsided and we hit the 28 wk milestone. I was able to move back into my "long term" room, and am slowly getting back on my feet so to speak. Really I'm just going one day at a time initially being allowed out of bed to the bathroom, then a sitting shower today, being able to skip the middle of the night checks to catch up on sleep. I'm back in my own clothes and allowed to eat with an appetite coming back.
All of this was more assurance that this pattern will in fact continue; I will have more bleeds, need more monitoring, more treatments, etc. That much is clear. The big unknown is when the next one will be, how long it will last, and most importantly will it lead to delivering this little bean? Each time we hear there are a number of interventions to take before delivery since the longer we stay pregnant the better. It is a little unsettling because some of the staff seem to have slightly different thresholds for what that next step might be, and a different tolerance for how much "watching and waiting" they will tolerate. Obviously I personally would rather wait as long as possible even if that means blood transfusions, more infusions, monitoring and less sleep. But for now we wait, hoping the next event is some time away and that it will be a minor one, but knowing it is coming none the less.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
The Lucky Room & Long Stay Privileges
As further evidence that I'm not going anywhere, I was able to switch rooms into a bigger/better layout. I know first hand what that means for inpatients from my own work. It's always the same, big room switch = long stay expected. I have however had a number of nursing staff and even housekeeping comment on how this is also the lucky room. And I also know first hand that some rooms do seem to have either good or bad vibes associated with them - so perception or reality, I'll take it! It makes sleep overs easier, and keeps Lydia out of medical equipment (mostly).
Then exhibit #2 is the visit from the nurse educator, which was basically an orientation of sorts to all things special for the long stay patients. Some are simple things like access to the "activity cart" with miscellaneous movies, books, crafts, games, etc. There is an expanded menu & take out binder, parking passes, family dining passes. She encouraged me to make the room as homelike as I wanted - bring pictures, artwork, of course my own clothes & bedding. Surprisingly I learned Charlie can come visit since his immunizations are up to date, provided he's had a bath. I can even bring a mini-fridge in if I want since I can't walk down to the "nourishment room" and then am not dependent on cafeteria delivery hours. She gave me hints to areas of the hospital that aren't in use during evenings & weekends so we can head over there for a change of scenery & more space now that I have wheelchair privileges. My OB cut back on monitoring overnight enough that I officially am a "do not disturb" between 11p-7a ~ another long stay patient privilege. Of course if I need anything they are in here in a flash and that goes away if anything clinically changes, but at least I have the option of uninterrupted sleep for now.
I have been readmitted now a week (again), and am trying to pretend I have some kind of schedule. It does help and was advice from a friend with her own bed rest experience. I am just starting to be able to "sleep in" which really means waking up at 6:30-7 instead of 5:15, but then there is less time to fill during the day. Weekdays all run together - wake up, breakfast, news, Today Show or GMA, get hooked up to monitor, maybe watch Kelly & Michael, local news, shower, lunch, "project time" ie - read books, do puzzles, blog, email, pay bills, make phone calls, play games (I had a few more options when I was home, but from here that is about it), maybe nap, then dinner, more TV or movies or reading, more news, then sleep. Any visits that happen are a welcome break in the day. There are apparently 5 or 6 other antepartum patients right now as well; supposedly they give us the option to all be wheeled to the lounge once or twice a week as a sort of support group. Since so far I haven't met any of them yet I have no idea how long they are all expected to be here, or if I will end up seeing a number of them come and go home during my stay. For today I am looking forward to a nice long visit with Chris & Lydia, and a wheel chair trip for a change of scenery, maybe even fresh air in the courtyard. If I'm lucky tomorrow will be more of the same before the weekday "schedule" starts again.
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Then exhibit #2 is the visit from the nurse educator, which was basically an orientation of sorts to all things special for the long stay patients. Some are simple things like access to the "activity cart" with miscellaneous movies, books, crafts, games, etc. There is an expanded menu & take out binder, parking passes, family dining passes. She encouraged me to make the room as homelike as I wanted - bring pictures, artwork, of course my own clothes & bedding. Surprisingly I learned Charlie can come visit since his immunizations are up to date, provided he's had a bath. I can even bring a mini-fridge in if I want since I can't walk down to the "nourishment room" and then am not dependent on cafeteria delivery hours. She gave me hints to areas of the hospital that aren't in use during evenings & weekends so we can head over there for a change of scenery & more space now that I have wheelchair privileges. My OB cut back on monitoring overnight enough that I officially am a "do not disturb" between 11p-7a ~ another long stay patient privilege. Of course if I need anything they are in here in a flash and that goes away if anything clinically changes, but at least I have the option of uninterrupted sleep for now.
I have been readmitted now a week (again), and am trying to pretend I have some kind of schedule. It does help and was advice from a friend with her own bed rest experience. I am just starting to be able to "sleep in" which really means waking up at 6:30-7 instead of 5:15, but then there is less time to fill during the day. Weekdays all run together - wake up, breakfast, news, Today Show or GMA, get hooked up to monitor, maybe watch Kelly & Michael, local news, shower, lunch, "project time" ie - read books, do puzzles, blog, email, pay bills, make phone calls, play games (I had a few more options when I was home, but from here that is about it), maybe nap, then dinner, more TV or movies or reading, more news, then sleep. Any visits that happen are a welcome break in the day. There are apparently 5 or 6 other antepartum patients right now as well; supposedly they give us the option to all be wheeled to the lounge once or twice a week as a sort of support group. Since so far I haven't met any of them yet I have no idea how long they are all expected to be here, or if I will end up seeing a number of them come and go home during my stay. For today I am looking forward to a nice long visit with Chris & Lydia, and a wheel chair trip for a change of scenery, maybe even fresh air in the courtyard. If I'm lucky tomorrow will be more of the same before the weekday "schedule" starts again.
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The Good & Bad days
Some days are better than others which probably goes without saying.
On bad days, I alternate between concerns for my husband also being now a single dad, for our daughter's routine being disrupted and for mommy not being there, and of course for our baby, the little bundle that is moving and growing and thriving but needs to stay put for much longer. I am so sad about all the things I am missing in their lives & outside these walls. Then I feel guilty because those are selfish feelings when I know that being here gives baby the best options if needing to come early or preventing baby from doing so. It is the most mentally exhausting thing I have done. Some days I find I can accept it all and am in good spirits, other days I spend crying. Plenty of days have a mix of both. On bad days I shed a lot of tears, sometimes it seems for no reason and every reason all at once. It feels surreal like this is all a bad dream, I can't possibly really be stuck in these four walls for a couple more months when I've only survived just over 2 weeks so far! The days blend together and I wonder how I will function back in life again, especially considering when I get discharged it may very well be with a newborn! A lot of days I feel like I'm just getting bigger and weaker and dumber all at once. How am I going to be there for my family when I haven't physically done anything for months? And how am I going to function when I go back to work (both physically and mentally), which will probably have to be much earlier than planned since I am using so much of my leave before the baby is even here?
Then on good days I am at peace with this disruption since it really is the biggest reminder of how far we've come. I am pregnant, simple as that. Although we know getting here really wasn't that simple, but here I am none the less. If this is what it takes to stay that way, then this is what we do. The reality is I would do this all over again as much as needed for our little one. I recognize how fortunate I am to have such supportive family, friends & coworkers. I am thankful for the luck of living close enough for daily visits from my husband and daughter. I truly appreciate the visits and calls from friends that go a long way in breaking up the day. I give thanks for the meals prepared for Chris & Lydia in my abscence and for the little treats or flowers or cards that are sent. Each message is a bright spot in my day and an awesome reminder of how much we are loved.