The Good & Bad days

Some days are better than others which probably goes without saying.

On bad days, I alternate between concerns for my husband also being now a single dad, for our daughter's routine being disrupted and for mommy not being there, and of course for our baby, the little bundle that is moving and growing and thriving but needs to stay put for much longer.  I am so sad about all the things I am missing in their lives & outside these walls.  Then I feel guilty because those are selfish feelings when I know that being here gives baby the best options if needing to come early or preventing baby from doing so. It is the most mentally exhausting thing I have done. Some days I find I can accept it all and am in good spirits, other days I spend crying.  Plenty of days have a mix of both.  On bad days I shed a lot of tears, sometimes it seems for no reason and every reason all at once.  It feels surreal like this is all a bad dream, I can't possibly really be stuck in these four walls for a couple more months when I've only survived just over 2 weeks so far! The days blend together and I wonder how I will function back in life again, especially considering when I get discharged it may very well be with a newborn!  A lot of days I feel like I'm just getting bigger and weaker and dumber all at once.  How am I going to be there for my family when I haven't physically done anything for months?  And how am I going to function when I go back to work (both physically and mentally), which will probably have to be much earlier than planned since I am using so much of my leave before the baby is even here? 

Then on good days I am at peace with this disruption since it really is the biggest reminder of how far we've come.  I am pregnant, simple as that. Although we know getting here really wasn't that simple, but here I am none the less. If this is what it takes to stay that way, then this is what we do.  The reality is I would do this all over again as much as needed for our little one.  I recognize how fortunate I am to have such supportive family, friends & coworkers. I am thankful for the luck of living close enough for daily visits from my husband and daughter.  I truly appreciate the visits and calls from friends that go a long way in breaking up the day.  I give thanks for the meals prepared for Chris & Lydia in my abscence and for the little treats or flowers or cards that are sent.  Each message is a bright spot in my day and an awesome reminder of how much we are loved.