Myths and Reality

If there is one thing I feel the need to clear up, it is the commonly stated but vastly mythological concept of "at least you can get some rest while he's in the NICU."  Yes, in theory we could leave our miracle man here with his medical team, and know his cares are being handled.  In theory my only task could be to pump every three hours, and some might argue that I don't have to do that.  However we see things quite differently.  It is so important to us to be involved in Will's cares every day; both because we are his parents, and so that we are comfortable/familiar with his needs and ready (as we can be) to take him home when that time comes.  Even though he can't nurse regularly, I can at least provide expressed milk so he gets all the immunities and nutrition from that.  I realize that is a very personal choice for mom's ~ and for me it is extremely important.

So "resting up" while Will is in the NICU is not a reality.  It involves all the expected sleepless nights of a newborn, plus the logistics of being in a hospital and traveling back and forth.  His cares are every three hours and generally take 30-60 minutes to do.  Then I pump every 3 hours which also takes 30-40 min in total.  This leaves little time between each set of events to nap/eat/shower/etc.  And this is the routine that will continue when he comes home, probably even less organized since we won't have the nurses help, but we will have Lydia's! 

It is true that at least we aren't first time parents.  However, the details involved are so different this go around that sometimes I feel like I am a new parent.  Last time the "schedule" was much simpler; eat, poop, nap and repeat.  Now we have many more steps involved.  Granted there isn't too much extra to pooping, but napping involves the constant worry that his oxygen levels are going to drop.  Eating includes mixing fortifier to milk, giving bottle and/or nurse, pumping, and the dishes that involves each time so we are ready for the next one, and also the worry that his oxygen levels are dropping while he is eating.  We have been told several dozen times that all newborns do that to some degree as they learn to get their eating/breathing patterns organized, just usually aren't monitored so parents aren't as aware.  But after spending 3 weeks in the NICU, and hearing the dinging and alarming of the monitors in my head long after I've left, or in my sleep, or in the car, or filling any quiet space I might have...it goes without saying that concern is ever present.

So yes, we are overjoyed that Will is doing so well.  This is certainly not intended to be a complaint or a rant or anything negative at all.  Instead a brief writing about the daily experiences which are our reality.

One other item of clarification, is the confounding factor that I am still healing physically, emotionally and mentally.  We are healing from the entire process of not having anything straightforward or normal about our pregnancy, delivery, or newborn experience.  And admittedly there is some grief there ~ as wonderful as things are progressing, it was never pictured this way.  Just because I know how lucky and blessed we are, doesn't negate the dreams of a "normal" experience.  Most times I don't give it another thought, this is just the experience we are having.  But that doesn't change the fact that this isn't the route we had hoped for, and underneath it all the grief and sadness are still there.  They are both fading and being drowned out by the new realities of our days...we just need some time to allow those feeling their due and eventually be over.