How do I say this - since I know everyone means well. I've potentially even been the offender here to some friends and sooo wish I could take it back. But there are some things that are just not helpful. It is part of why we kept this private when we did. I KNOW things in life could be worse. I KNOW our daughter is a blessing. I KNOW we are lucky to have been pregnant once. I KNOW all these things. It doesn't change how I FEEL. Sorrow for the pregnancies we'll never know does not take away from the love and joy we get from the one we did. And in the mess of emotions, I don't need to feel guilty about our grief. I don't particularly want advice, or a pep talk, or for my friends/family to "fix it" - you can't. Real support is sometimes just a hug, a smile, a prayer.
There are a few compilations of advice for family/friends of those experiencing infertility issues out there. I've put together some suggestions; these are summarized from our own feelings and experiences, other blog sites & support groups, and the National Infertility Association. Some applies to us personally and some don't, but I feel it is better to put it out there for everyone to think about. You never know if someone close is dealing with this, and they'll let you in when they are ready. Hopefully this can help when that happens:
TRY to understand that infertility is essentially a loss and a death that needs to be grieved. It is often the loss of a lifelong dream. It is the loss of what could have been...Because this is a grieving process, there is no way to rush through, around or over it. And just like every other grief process, it will cycle. There are stages of acceptance, anger, devastation, sadness, hope, loneliness, despair and ambivalence. There is no “getting over it” and it is an emotionally consuming process that everyone goes through differently.
DO know we need your love, prayers and support. Sometimes a happy face does not mean a happy heart. Sometimes it will be helpful for us to talk (and you to listen); sometimes it will be helpful to not talk at all. Let your friends with infertility take this lead, and know they appreciate your patience. It will never be okay, but hopefully it will get better.
DON'T be offended by the list of don'ts - if we don't share, then how would you know?
DON'T ignore the experiences of secondary infertility. Infertility is difficult no matter how many children you have. Please do not make your loved one feel guilty by saying that she should be "thankful for what she has." Rest assured that your loved one gives many thanks that she has a child or children. However, that does not end the ache to have another or the loss of those that existed already in our hearts.
DON'T say there are worse things that could happen. Who really determines what the worst thing is for anyone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
DON'T minimize the pain. Comments like, "You can have one of my kids" or "It could be worse, you could have a fatal illness" do not help. While most infertile people realize they have much to be thankful for, nothing fills the empty space that is left by the long-term struggle to have a child.
DON'T attempt to compare other struggles with that of infertility. Just as or any one else who has personally suffered some other life trauma would say the same thing about people who haven’t experienced their kind of pain. When we don’t know what to say, we often try to fill the void with our own experiences in an attempt to empathize. At the end of the day, the reality is that this just can’t be understood by someone who hasn’t been there. The grief and pain are so acute, and so personal. The best thing you can say is “I can’t imagine what you’re going through but know I love you and I want to support you.” Any attempts to compare your situation to theirs can be very frustrating and hurtful for the griever.
DON'T tell your friend to "Just relax." Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one, and relaxation is not a magical cure for infertility. Your loved one is likely coping the best way she knows how, and implying that her tension and stress are causing her infertility only makes the problem worse. While it is true that stress may be a factor in some infertility cases, a large number of infertile couples have true medical malfunctions that require treatment. Relaxing won’t cure cancer or the flu, and it won’t cure infertility. Saying “relax” is as futile as telling a two year old to sit still.
DON'T tell your friend to "Just adopt." I'd guess that any infertile couple is aware of the existence of adoption without it being suggested. The proposition makes sense to the speaker, but is rarely helpful to the receiver. While adoption is a wonderful family building option it is not for everyone, and people have to make the decision to pursue adoption in their own time. Some couples may get there, but the decision is a very personal & difficult one. Just as you would never say to a grieving spouse “Why don’t you just marry someone else?” Also please do not imply that your friend is selfish for pursuing infertility treatment since there are "so many children in the world who need homes." Yes, there are. However, it is cruel to belittle the basic desires of wanting to experience pregnancy and have a biological connection to their child.
DON'T suggest to "Just try IVF." In vitro fertilization (IVF) is an invasive, time consuming process. There is a lot of expense in time, emotions, money, travel, patience...all with no guarantees. It is not an 'option' for everyone for innumerable reasons, and assuming it is overly simplifies an already complex situation. To suggest "just try IVF" in the same casual tone as suggesting to "just try shopping at another store" is absurd.
DON'T assume statements of faith are unquestionably helpful. A statement of "my friend was infertile for years and now she has twins b/c it was all God's plan" is helpful to that friend, but not necessarily for the couple still struggling. This is a very touchy area for many; it can challenge belief systems more than realized ever before. Still others may cycle through inner conflict over the struggle and comfort that feel directly opposed. In believing that God can heal any malady, it is true that for a lot of people He does heal them. It is also true though that in a lot of cases, He doesn’t heal them, and He is still good. This is meant to encourage and give hope and sometimes it could, but sometimes it’s a more painful reminder that God can heal and to this point, has chosen not to for reasons we cannot know. That can be a very hard reality to accept, especially if He has chosen to hide His reason why or His alternate plan. There will come a day when we can again dream of miracles, it just might not be today.
DON'T complain about your pregnancy. This message is for pregnant women, and applies even if you don't know that you know anyone with infertility issues. We may not have shared, but just being around you is a painful and constant reminder of what we can no longer have. I was horribly swollen, unable to sleep, constant back pain... all things I would give anything to experience again because of what they represent = a growing baby! I managed to go to baby showers and to welcome friends' new babies, but it was hard. I felt guilt over my struggles with jealousy and anger, but still want to share the joy of your miracle.
No comments:
Post a Comment