Sorting through the emotions

I cannot get pregnant again.  It hurts beyond words, my heart aches.  When this evaluation started I knew that it happens to some people.  I had a range of feelings about the situation, including frustration and a lot of impatience.  It felt like I was surrounded by babies and pregnancies.  It was hard to have one thing after another not come out right.  To have time keep going by, endure more referrals and tests and procedures.   Sure, I was prepared for things to not be straight forward.  After knowing for a decade already that I had PCOS, on some level I expected "problems."  However I didn't really think this would be the conclusion for us.  Sure I could need medication & procedures, but that I'd never be pregnant again?  Once we heard this, I spent days a sobbing mess and being a very angry, tired, depressed person.  Initially all I could do was cry and sleep; then I couldn't turn my thoughts off long enough to get any rest.  I played the "what if" game constantly - what if I asked more questions post-partum?  What if I opted for meds instead of the D&C?  What if I didn't pump so much to stock our freezer?  What if I weaned earlier?  Is there someone to blame? Is that person me?  Why did this happen to us, am I not a good mom?  But we are good parents.  We've planned for more children.  They are supposed to be running all over, filling the house and the yard and emptying our bank accounts and refrigerator. On a rational level I know this thinking is not helpful, but that doesn't stop it.  Then throw in the guilt - as I realize how lucky we are to have our little girl, how our complications could have been much more severe.  I felt guilty because we do have her, maybe I'm just being greedy.  I feel guilty that I'm mourning future pregnancies when some couples don't have a first.  But still I find it hard to be around babies and pregnant women; it feels like they are suddenly everywhere.  I try not to cry at their showers, or when seeing their newborns or pictures.  Then I feel guilty again, like a terrible person, because our sorrow should take nothing from those joys.  And I really understand the blessing each of those little one's is for their families, just as ours is and I'm joyful.  Until I see pictures of my own pregnancy and newborn , and it hurts again.  A few people have asked how we are doing; I can only say it depends on the moment for now.